


Maybe

by phanberries



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phan, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-11
Updated: 2013-12-11
Packaged: 2018-01-04 08:05:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1078560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanberries/pseuds/phanberries
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan didn't always hate the season. But for the past year not even vodka could drown out his sorrows. (Loosely based off of Shane Dawson's "Maybe This Christmas"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on tumblr  
> 

Title: Maybe

Word Count: 1,306

Warnings: angst, mild swearing

 

 

Dan hates Christmas. He didn’t get why it everyone pretended to be happy because it was Christmas. And as he glared out his window, trying to drown out the neighbour's carols with Fall Out Boy, it came to his attention that in three hours it would be the first anniversary of his worst day ever.

Forcing the flood of memories to the back of his mind, Dan stumbles into the kitchen. He grabs a bottle of vodka off the counter. Taking a deep gulp, he heads into the living room. 

It looked empty. Hell, it was empty. Dan flopped down on the couch, putting the bottle to his lips and chugging it. His eyes burned when he swallowed and his nose had start to run. Dan felt the familiar warmth that accompanied straight up alcohol. Where Is Your Boy started to play and Dan felt the sudden urge for silence. He turned the music off and finished the vodka.

The apartment was quiet. For about three seconds, then another track started in his neighbours flat. It was the that one song about wanting a lover for Christmas. Anger boiled through Dan. He chucked the empty bottle at the opposite wall and sunk to his knees.

“ITS NOT FAIR!” He screamed.

Because it wasn’t.

How was it fair that everyone Dan knew was spending the holidays with someone they loved and he wasn’t.

How was it fair that four Christmases ago Phil was killed by a drunk driver who thought it would be okay to drive away from the scene.

HOW WAS IT FAIR?

Tears were steadily streaming down Dan’s face now.

How was it fair that when the paramedics found Phil, Dan had been at home waiting for his boyfriend to return.

Scrambling to his feet, Dan grabbed the nearest breakable thing and flung it across the room. There was an open bottle of whiskey on the coffee table. He chugged the burning liquid and threw that too.

“GODDAMMIT PHIL!” He screamed.

Dan missed his older companion. He missed Phil so fucking much. Sobs racked through the brown-haired boy as he collapsed in a chair.

And before he stop it a rush of memories came flooding back.

//

December 24, 8.04 pm.

Dan was home, waiting for Phil to return. The raven haired boy had mentioned that he needed to get some champagne as they would be celebrating later. 

//

December 24, 9.12 pm.

It was only when Phil hadn't returned an hour later that Dan began to worry. What could be causing his boyfriends late arrival? Had he been attacked? Or had the supper market run out of the bubbly drink he adored, causing Phil to walk to the liqour stand four blocks away?

//

December 24, 11.37 pm.

After two more hours of frantic text messages and multiple phone calls to a voice mail box, did Dan receive a reply. His phone rang louder than he had though was capable and the nervous boy answered it on the second ring. 

"Thank god! Phil what happened to you?" Dan asked, nervous and slightly agitated.

"Is this Mr. Daniel Howell speaking?" A woman's voice inquired from the phone.

Dan's hands began to shake.

"Y-yes," he answered, "where's Phil?"

"Mr. Howell, I'm sorry to inform you that your friend Philip has been in an accident." The woman's voice lacked the regret a normal human would have in this situation.

"W-what"? No that can't be right," Dan choked, the blood fading from his face.

The silence on the other end was enough proof that what she said was the truth.

"I-is he alright? Please tel me he's alright!" Dan cried, his tone rising.

"Mr. Howell, I think you'd better sit down" 

The world began to shake as Dan slowly sat on the couch, not ready to hear what he knew for certain was coming next.

"Philip is dead. He was hit by a drunk driver, who drove off, we don't know who it was. I'm sorry. We'd like you to come identify the body as soon as possible."

The woman continued to speak but Dan couldn't hear what she was saying. The whole room had gone quiet. In fact, the whole world was completely silent. The music playing in Phil's room sounded as if it was coming from underwater, and for a moment Dan wonder if it were. 

Phil was dead.

//

December 27, 12.15 pm.

Dan was told Phil's funeral was in two days.

"i hope it's pretty," he says to himself, "Phil was pretty. He deserves something pretty."

It was hard for the younger boy to grasp that Phil was actually gone. He would wake up each morning and sit for countless hours by the door, waiting for Phil to bring back that champagne he promised.

//

December 29, 6.00 am.

Like he was told, the funeral happened after two days of waiting. Dan's mum came and made him get ready. she turned the shower on and pushed her broken son into the flow. After he was clean, she held him while he sobbed. She was the one to discover Phil's surprise. After asking Dan where his suit was and getting a mumbled response about how it was in Phil's closet, she found a small velvet box. And inside was a ring.

//

December 29, 11.30 pm.

All Dan remembers about the funeral is that he was wearing a ring, and that Phil still looked beautiful, even in death.

//

January 2013

Eventually Dan's mum stopped coming to check on him. He knew it was for the best. 

// 

February 2013

Valentines Day was coming up. Phil was still dead

//

June 2013

Phil took Dan to Rome. He finally proposed.

//

June 2013

Dan started seeing a therapist. She reminds him Phil died several months ago. 

//

August 2013

Dan shivers. The damn apartment is still cold despite the heat of summer.

//

October 2013

Dan wonders what he and Phil would've been for Halloween.

//

 

Dan screams.

His face is soaked with tears and the same applies to Phil's Totoro that had somehow managed to end up in Dan's grasp during his mind's vicious assault of memories. He didn't want to remember. He tried to forget. He tried so hard.

Dan jumps up tripping over the coffee table. He runs to the phone and dials his mum's number.

"Dan? Whats wrong?" She asks.

"Nothing, it's just. Happy Christmas!" He responds, fighting and failing to keep the sorrow from his voice.

"Happy Christmas Dan. I miss you." She answers

"I miss you too mum. And It's hard. It's hard because I miss him so much. It's not fair either." Dan rants to his mother, tears spilling faster, his voice chocking and breaking.

"I know love, I know. I miss him too. Do you remember when you told your father and I you were dating Phil? You were so scared and he was so determined. He loved you Dan. He still loves you, where ever he is now. Just remember that, okay"

"Okay."

Both parent and child were sobbing now.

"I love you mum."

"I love you too, darling."

And after he hand hung up, Dan didn't feel so alone anymore.

If anything he felt determined. The brown eyed boy ran down the steps to his storage and pulled out the box that contained his tree and baubles.

Within an hour and and half, Dan had set up the tree. It was smothered in tinsel like Phil had always liked it. And Dan had hung up a few of his favourite baubles. And on the very top, was a cut out of Phil, an angel guarding the tree. 

And only then did he feel relief. 

Glancing up at his angel, Dan finally was able to say goodbye.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment and let me know about any mistakes you found, thanks for reading!


End file.
